If you’re anything like me, you frequently wonder if the person you are talking to is just trying to lull you into a false sense of security so they can eat your flesh. I spend so much time and energy worrying about this that I have devised a clever trap for such people. Here, I will show you how to perform this test for yourself.
- A test subject
- A car with a music player
- An mp3, CD or cassette with Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”
Find an excuse to give your test subject a lift in your car. Next, break the figurative ice of awkwardness. The results of this test will not be accurate if the test subject feels uncomfortable. Only proceed to step 2 when you are both engaged in animated, friendly conversation.
Play Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer.”
Sing along with all your soul.
Observe reaction in test subject.
Example of a pass:
The test indicates that the subject has a soul if any of the following conditions are met:
- They sing
- They car-seat-dance
- They head-bop
- They smile
- They take any kind of obvious pleasure in the fact that you are enjoying yourself
Note: smiling and other mild signs of approval may indicate the subject has a shy soul. This is a perfectly acceptable type of soul and should be nurtured. Maybe one day they will feel comfortable enough to sing with you. Maybe that’s just not their thing. Either way, they’re happy that you’re happy, and they have a soul.
Example of a fail:
The subject tests negative for a soul if they look at you in a judgemental way.
If the test subject fails the test, do not panic.
… Or, rather, do. Because you’re alone in a car with them and you have just established that they are soulless demon-spawn waiting for just such an opportunity to eat your flesh. Perhaps I didn’t think this through very well.
But, seriously, don’t panic. Because they don’t know that you’re onto them and there are probably other people on the road who will notice if they try to eat you at the next red light.
UPDATE TO TEST: Make this trip in peak traffic, do not let them know that you are onto them, and make sure you always have innocent bystander witnesses around. Maybe get a pre-tested friend to ride a bicycle next to your car for the entire trip.
Are we clear on the new rules? Excellent.
Now you may be wondering what to do once you’ve found out that your friendly new acquaintance wants to feed on your flesh. Never fear! I have a solution for that too.
You can protect your home with boundaries of salt. Everyone knows that demon-spawn cannot cross lines of salt, as they are closely related to the common snail or slug.
By following this precaution you should be able to maintain safe spaces. This procedure has several added benefits. It will cause no harm to the person if the test result was a false negative and they actually do have a soul. Also, it will protect your home and garden from bands of marauding snails.
Stay safe. Protect yourself from soulless demon-spawn.
On a totally unrelated note, don’t be snarky and judgey to people who are just being happy and aren’t causing anyone else any harm. I mean, would it kill you to sing along to “Tiny Dancer?” Or just to smile and be happy for someone else’s happiness? People will stop inviting you in their cars if you keep judging them.
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