Hello, My Name is Grief

Test reads: Grief is like a star dies inside you, crushing down into a blackhole that sucks and sucks and sucks every emotion and thought and part of you down to nothing. Test reads: Except when you forget. And then it’s a tsunami of sudden memory that tumbles you around and steals your breath and washes you far away from where you were a moment beforeText reads: Except sometimes it’s warm sunshine on you face, a light breeze in your hair, and bright colours all around you. And it’s beautiful, but the light is to loud and the breeze is to bright and everything is exquisitely wrong, unbearably real.Test Reads: Sometimes it’s from is … unexpected. Sometimes you want it, to prove what you lost was real, to prove it was loved. Sometimes it is someone repeating the same boring stories, the same words, the same feelings you’ve sat through a thousand times before, over and over and over, and you can’t escape. Text reads: Sometimes it's all those things TOO HEAVY TOO BIG TOO LOUD TOO BRIGHT TOO STRONG TOO MUCH at onceTest reads: I don’t know how to end this. I don’t think grief ends. Perhaps (I hope) is wears with time, like running water smoothing all the sharp edges from a rock. But even a smooth rock can trip you. I don’t think grief ends. But everything else does. (that’s the problem)

*********************************

So I had a third miscarriage.

Each time is harder. They add together. The second miscarriage wasn’t only a miscarriage, it was the first miscarriage happening again as well as a new miscarriage. And now this miscarriage is the first miscarriage happening again, and the second miscarriage happening again, as well as a new miscarriage and also an impossible pile of fear about what happens next.

I don’t think I will write a blow-by-blow account of this one (though I reserve the right to change my mind). It was another sucker-punch. I’ve done that before. If you want to read a sucker-punch miscarriage story, I’ve got Expecting.

I’m doing my best in the aftermath, but I’m struggling. There are good days (which are difficult) and bad days (which are impossible). I don’t know when I’ll have new content. I know that I will, I just don’t know when or how regularly that will be for a little while. I’m probably going to be extra slow responding to comments too (but I promise I’ll get there).

Bear with me?

As always, I have a Patreon page (where you can support my work in a general way and get rewards) and a store (where you can buy my comics on posters and shirts and mugs and stuff). And you can follow me for updates on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+ and Pinterest.


60 responses to “Hello, My Name is Grief”

  1. bonnieknowsbest Avatar

    Oh no. I’m so sorry this has happened (again and again). This comic is a perfect example of grief. Take time, burrow deep, and just know there are people floating around in the internets giving you virtual hugs. 💕✨

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 It's definitely going to take a bit of time.

      Like

  2. Lancelot Avatar

    Sending you positive thoughts and hugs ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you so much <3

      Like

  3. Bear R Humphreys Avatar

    Feel like it’s easier to accidentally say something stupid and crass than just simply express how much I feel for you going through this, your drawings are of course saying it all. So please just accept a virtual hug before my usual flippancy gets it all wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      That was entirely right. Thank you <3

      Like

  4. jillturner Avatar

    Bless you. Little consolation but I’ve been there – lost 6. Nothing anyone says will ease things at the moment, but if you decide to try again, have your blood checked for something called Hughes syndrome (sticky blood). It’s where your body thinks the baby is a dangerous (to you) ‘alien’ – Google it. I had it (took 10 years to discover) and began to take a daily aspirin and finally carried to term. Whatever you decide, grieve first. It’s a very real loss and something a lot of people won’t understand. ♡♡ winging to you through the power of the internet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I've had some blood work done. I don't know for sure if Hughes syndrome was one of the things tested for because the doctor didn't mention it by name, but the test didn't find any clotting issues (or other issues). I hope my doctor can come up with some sort of solution like yours did.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. jillturner Avatar

        So do I <3. I know words don't help in this situation, but take it day by day, and don't be frightened by, or ashamed of, the grief you feel – it is very real and shows how good a mum you will be when the time comes.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. CW Avatar

    ❤️ thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 Thinking of you too.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Chatter Master Avatar

    I’m very sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Chatter Master Avatar

        You are welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. As much cake as you want Avatar

    Very sorry to read this – yes, time does smooth the sharp edges, and also yes, it can still trip you up … wishing you well on healing and the next baby steps.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. leapprentice807172025 Avatar

    First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Then, I want to applaud you for one of the most accurate depictions of grief that I have ever seen. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 and thank you for saying that.

      Like

  9. Wolf of Words Avatar

    Once again your images and words are so powerful. I feel for you. I hope those edges get smooth sooner rather than later.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Emily Kitsch Avatar

    Oh no, honey, I am so sorry! Sending you so much love. Please take care of yourself, take all the time you need, do what you need to do, we’re here if you need us – I’m here if you need to talk (seriously, send me an email any time. *hug*). Grief does wear with time, it doesn’t really go away, but it gets softer and quieter and gives you more space to breathe and live, and while it can still trip you up the day to day stuff can get a little bit easier over time. *huge hug* <3 <3 <3 <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 That's so kind of you to offer. I'll keep that in mind.

      Like

  11. LeighTX Avatar

    I am so, so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. artandroses Avatar

    Awww, I’m so sorry, don’t worry about posting take all the time you need, I’m sending virtual hugs 🤗 ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 I'll just see how I go. Making art helps sometimes, but pressure doesn't.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. mourningdovemotherhood Avatar

    I’m so sorry for you loss, and for your previous losses too. Miscarriage sucks so bad. And I cannot imagine how hard it must been when you’ve been there before. May you get all the time and love and support you need to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you so much <3

      Liked by 1 person

  14. tara caribou Avatar

    My dear friend, my heart goes to you. This grief drawing is perfect. I lost my son just after birth and so in this way, I can relate to your pain. I’ve written and drawn about it more times than I care to count. I do what I call “intentional grieving” where I set special time aside to just remember him. It’s a safe time to cry or laugh or scream or sit in silence. I find that doing this in a safe place and time, it helps to relieve some pressure and the overwhelming grief doesn’t overtake me as often. I’ve written about it, if you care to read it, let me know and I’ll share a link. Much love and hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 And I'm so sorry to here about your loss. That must have been impossibly hard to experience. I'm going to have some space from the internet for a few days, but when I'm back I would like to read about tactics for coping with grief. I like your idea of setting aside some time for it. However, I might need more space from what's going on with me right now before I can face a detailed account of the loss of a child, and I hope you can understand that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. tara caribou Avatar

        I understand. That wasn’t what I meant actually. It’s a poem about grief. But no worries. If you ever need someone to cry and scream at, I am available to talk to. Hugs and heartfelt thoughts, my friend. stillbirthday dot com is a great grief resource for miscarriages and child loss. Helped me tons in the early hours. 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  15. The Lockwood Echo Avatar

    Oh that’s was a heartbreaking read. I can’t imagine how that must feel, but your description of grief is so painfully and profoundly accurate. Though everyone’s grief is highly personal. I’d just included you in a little shout out of people who I think are quite super and who I enjoy reading. I hope you are able to take as much time and have all the support you and your family need to navigate your loss, and we’ll see you back here when you feel ready.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 Yes, I was trying to show grief feels like all kinds of things (and therefore likely to vary between people as well). Thank you for the shout out :)

      Liked by 1 person

  16. jule Avatar

    I’m so sorry for your pain. Sending you hugs and good thoughts winging your way from California.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Elvira Avatar

    I’m lost for words. I can only imagine how it adds up – the grief, the fear, the hopelessness. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 It does add up.

      Like

  18. Dina Avatar

    Hey – I’m no expert with how it feels to have 3 miscarriages, but grief that’s something I know a little about… if I could offer you one bit of advice – it’s this… please allow yourself to feel it… and yes it’s shit and chaotic… you’ve lost something big… it’s natural. As someone once told me ‘morning will come…’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Ah I am. Don’t worry about that. I bottled up a bit after the second one, but not this time.

      Like

  19. Ninja Phil Avatar

    I know this will be sad/confusing/messed up time, but I still just wanted to say this is some really beautiful artwork here and the layout is perfect, takes you on a journey :)

    ps. I still think scooter purchasing of any kind is legitimate atm!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 I put some significant effort into this one, so it's nice to hear you say that. It was a good distraction for me to think about storytelling and colour and panels and such.

      P.S. I'm still very keen for a scooter. The only thing keeping me teetering is budget.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ninja Phil Avatar

        Well if nothing else it’s a good outlet and you be proud of the results ☺

        Like

  20. MrsVersace Avatar

    Beautiful comic

    Liked by 1 person

  21. LateNightGirl.org Avatar

    Hi,

    I am really sorry about your losses. I can’t even begin to imagine!

    And the way you cope and your comics is inspirational!

    Your comic on grief completely hit the nail on the head! I haven seen or heard any depiction of grief that has come even close!!

    Can this particular comic be purchased?

    Or may I re-blog this without disrespecting your personal grief? Linking back to your blog?

    I wish you much comfort and lots of tangible support around you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you so much <3 You can absolutely link to my work.

      Currently this particular comic can't be purchased. I do have a store for prints and merch, but this comic is 6 pages long and format-wise didn't really seem to suit that, so I never put it in there (nothing to say I can't, although it would have to go up as separate pages). Is it a print you are interested in?

      Like

      1. LateNightGirl.org Avatar

        Yes, very much. I haven’t seen or come across anything si concise that depicts grief so perfectly, in such a delicate way with tender humour as well.

        I was glued to the pictures twisting my head to read. Really made my day yesterday.

        On a mug or T-shirt I doubt this particular one is a “seller” as grief is not somethig people want to look at first thing in the morning.

        But it must have its place somewhere where grief and coping has its place.

        I love the humour as well, the vulnerability of the powerlessness of the emotions as well as paralysis that hit you.

        I could go on and on.

        Will check out your work further.

        Brilliant stuff!!

        Liked by 1 person

  22. endometriosandme Avatar

    I am so sorry for your loss <3 I have had 4 miscarriages myself and each one hurts just as much as the first :( xxx

    Like

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 And I'm sorry for your losses as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. StarsofSobek Avatar

    Your comic was so accurate it made me cry and remember exactly what grief is like. I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s incredibly cheesy, I know, but I give you a great big awkward internet hug right now. <3 So much love to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. betunada Avatar

    weave (well, shee haz) had mis-c’s. and that’s just part of the quilt?guilt?fabrick?pantheon?quagmire? miasma? — the unadulteraytidd schmukkulayshun of awl that/which ails us.

    like yerself, there are interludes where the mist has cleared, and

    Liked by 1 person

  25. memadtwo Avatar

    We don’t do grief well, and we don’t have any rituals to mourn miscarriage. You express these feelings so well, for all of us. That is a gift you share with us. All we can do is send back our sorrow for you and our best wishes and support. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

  26. iamlivinginfreedom Avatar

    I too have suffered 3 miscarriages. It never gets easier. You will be in my prayers.

    Like

    1. Lucy Grove-Jones Avatar

      Thank you <3 I'm so sorry for your losses.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. Number 4 | Silence Killed The Dinosaurs Avatar

    […] here. I have written about miscarriage before, (first two here, comics drawn after the third one here and here) and I don’t think I can do it again. Not like that. To do that, you have to revisit […]

    Like

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