For Crimes Against the English Language

Three panels. First panel: several crows are having a raging house party. Second panel: The police arrive, saying "Police! You're all under arrest for murder!" Third panel: A crow says "You can't arrest people based on word play!" to a cop, who is approached by another copy holding a note saying "Sir! You need to see this!" ... comic continues in next image.Three panels. First panel. The note is held up, it says "Hey neighbours! We'll be throwing a party tomorrow night. There will be music, so why not join us instead of sitting at home listening!" and the cop exclaims "My God! It was premeditated!" Second panel: crow is being handcuffed, says, "This isn't legal." and the cop says "Tell it to the judge." Third panel. The judge is a kangaroo, saying "Super, super guilty!" and banging a gavel. The crows goes ugh.

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His Comic

3 panels. First panel, I am working at my desk and my partner comes in and says "Would you like a cool drink?" I say "Sure. Why not?" Second panel: I am working at my desk. Third panel: Partner returns holding sunglasses in front of a glass. I do not react.

3 panels. First panel: My partner says "eh? eh? eg?" I still do not react. Second panel: Partner continues to wait for reaction. Third panel: Partner says, "you should make this into a comic"

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He was very determined, so I gave it to him.

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The Feline Water Cycle

3 panels. First panel: I am sitting in front of a window, typing on my laptop. My cat is sleeping on the couch arm. Outside the window, another cat runs across a road. Second panel: the cat thunks up against the window and meows at my cat, who wakes up. Third panel: my cat and the other cat start meowing loudly to each other. I put on headphones.

I don’t think of my cat as my baby.

That’s not to say I don’t love the floof-demon a stupid amount or take my responsibility of his wellbeing seriously, I just don’t think of our relationship as parent-child. I don’t mind if other people think of their pets as their children or fur-babies or whathaveyou, but as he’s an adult cat and I’m not trying to raise him to be a functional member of society with an independent existence, for me, it just feels jarring. I tend to say he’s my eccentric housemate, but even that’s not quite right.

I think pet relationships are different. Not worse, not unimportant, still family, still people. But … different. It’s because pets are inherently a whole other species with different bodies and different brains and different goals.

Mostly, this just makes them seem even more amusing and loveable. However, there are downsides. The big, annoying thing is that it is impossible, and will always remain impossible no matter their age, to communicate complex information clearly.

I mean, sure, there are cat-human phrase-books, and that means I can know that if my cat twitches his tail he is in a MOOD and needs extra personal space, and I can know that slow blinks show love and trust and make sure to do it back to him. Meanwhile, he can learn that breakfast happens when humans wake up and the first thing that happens when humans wake up is the beside lights turn on, and therefore if he was to turn on our bedside lights it will send a very clear message that it’s time for breakfast.

cat turns on beside light in the middle of the night. Cartoon people flail in eye-searing horror

But it’s difficult to convey much more than that. So, for example, he couldn’t tell me when he started having trouble peeing. I just had to notice.

I am on the phone holding a card that says "local vet". In the background there is a cat in a littler box looking like it is in pain. A voice from the phone says "Yeah, that's bad in cats. Can you bring him in right now?"

And I couldn’t explain why he needed to get in the dreaded cage.

I am trying to get my cat into a cage, but he is climbing my face. I am yelling "LET ME HELP YOU"

He had cystitis.

This wasn’t terrible on its own, but a potential outcome was for his urinary tract to get blocked. If that happened, he would need medical—probably surgical—help fast, or he would die.

Hearing that scared me.

Because that’s the other thing about inter-species friendships. Different animals live on wildly different timelines. I am aware that (unless something dramatic occurs and I die very early) I will have to deal with my cat’s death at some point. But he’s not even three years old yet. It shouldn’t be now. It never occurred to me it could be now.

I spent an anxious few days following him around, making sure I was picking up on any discomfit he tried to communicate, examining his litter for wet patches every time I heard him dig in it, and generally behaving like a stalker. He gave me some funny looks, but he didn’t get blocked. The only medical help he ended up needing was anti-inflammatory meds, a special diet, and some time. Although the vet also recommended that my partner and I up his water intake.

We tried. We really did. But explaining the importance of hydration is a bit too complex for blinks.

It’s not that our cat dislikes water. He loves water. He loves water a stupid amount. I have photographic evidence of him having a delightful time belly-deep in what was supposed to be my relaxing bath before he stole it. The problem is he likes water too much, because most of what he does with his water bowl is splash.  

cat makes little splash in water bowl

It was hilarious at first, but that’s because at first he hadn’t caused water-damage to any of the nearby furniture and we thought he would grow out of it. Now he is very much an adult cat, and he will not drink without splashing a glass-worth of water all over the floor.

cat makes big splash in water bowl

Nevertheless, we were determined to follow the vet’s advice. I investigated and found that some cats splash because they prefer to drink from running water sources. We rushed out to buy him a water fountain, hoping he would drink more from it.

He did not.

Cat makes really big splash in fountain

I tried putting it on a tray so at least it wouldn’t splash all over the floor.

He splashed it out of the tray.

Cat making ridiculously big splash so water goes all over the floor.

For the first week he had this fountain, I had to refill it almost every day. In all that time, I never saw him drink from it. Eventually, having almost given up on it, I unplugged fountain for an ironing emergency. Later that day…

3 panels. In first panel, cat is meowing at me from behind an unplugged fountain. In second panel, I plug the fountain in. In the third panel, the cat looks at me. Leads into next image ...
3 panels. First panel, cat splashes the water. Second panel, time has passed. I am reading a book as the cat continues to splash on the other side of the room. Third panel, more time has passed. There is water all over the floor. I look up to see the cat lapping from the fountain.

Still, the fountain has not been a success. He does drink very occasionally, but it’s clear he sees it as his personal water park.

The most effective water-intake tactic so far has been to trick him with food. He loves and will never opt out of food (and honestly, hard same). The best trick is to mix a little extra water in with his wet-food dinners. He loves food so much he doesn’t care if it’s basically cold soup.

Problem solved!

Sort of.

We’ve also been having communication issues at the other end of the water-cycle.

He’s never been a particularly neat cat. He’s one of the ones that kicks litter everywhere.

Everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.

Cat in litter. Litter has been kicked all over the floor and creates the word "everywhere"

 And while he doesn’t have accidents all over the house, his aim could use work.

Cat sitting in litter box and peeing over the edge onto the floor.

Unable to just ask him to please not, we found a practical solution and got him a taller box. He doesn’t kick out as much litter and there was no way he could pee over the side.

Or so we thought.

Because since the cystitis episode…

Me and my cat face each other in front of a litter box. There is a puddle of pee right next to the box. I am not amused.

At first, we assumed he was just peeing next to the box. I feel like this was a reasonable conclusion to jump to. We moved the box to cover that exact spot, but again, we kept finding pee just slightly to one side. We re-cleaned the problem area as thoroughly as possible. No effect on the prevalence of puddles. We tried all kinds of tricks and tips to re-train cats with litter problems. Nothing worked. And then one day I saw him digging in a very odd position.

Now, before continuing I want it on record that by this point my partner and I were frustrated by the constant pee-mopping, perplexed that nothing was working, worried our cat was sick or unhappy or both, and generally desperate to figure out the answer. We couldn’t just see what he was doing in his litter because he’s pee-shy and jumps away from the box if we show the slightest interest. We were in educated guess territory with no compass. Right?

Good.

Because I thought it was this configuration:

Cat is on forelegs in litter, but it's backlegs are on the edge of the (quite high) box, and it is peeing on the ground.

Look.

I know.

Ridiculous.

But that’s the thing about inter-species housemates, isn’t it? You’re living with a completely alien mind.

Not only can you not ask it what’s wrong, not only can you not explain how things should be done, but it’s reasons for doing stuff might be entirely strange to you. For example, the way he holes up in the tin cupboard whenever we open it. There’s no cat food in there. All the human-food is in tins and packets—not nibbly. He doesn’t do it to any other cupboard. And yet, whenever that cupboard door opens, he will hurricane across the house to leap inside.

Why?

Does that specific cupboard smell nice? Would he do it to any cupboard hypothetically but isn’t able to generalise the experience? Is it fun? Does he just enjoy our reactions? We might never know.

So we rolled with my outlandish guess about his peeing habits and wondered if it might be because we had changed litter brands. It was very similar to the old one, but it wasn’t exactly the same. Perhaps it felt different on his paws, and he wasn’t just trying to use the litter while touching it with as few feet as possible.

We got him his old litter and another new litter, and we put two boxes down so he could choose and we could see which he preferred…

Me and my cat face each other in front of two litter boxes. They butt up against each other, and yet somehow there is pee on the floor between them. I am incredulous and very unimpressed.

We were out of ideas, so it was lucky that around that time, by complete fluke, we saw what was happening.

Our cat is not doing litter-box yoga. He starts out normally, then transitions into spray-mode and by the end he’s just standing upright with pee going horizontally right over the side of the box in a huge jet. It’s not the usual way cats mark things. He’s trying to pee normally into the litter and failing.

I was scared it was the cystitis again, or something worse, that he would get blocked and not be able to tell me something was wrong. That he would die too soon.

We got a pee sample and went back to the vet.

And …

…. He’s fine. His spraying behaviour might have been established as a response to the discomfit of the cystitis, and it’s just a bad habit now. Unless we suspect it’s caused by significant anxiety (which does not seem to be the case), he doesn’t need meds. Since it’s only in his litter and he’s not trying to mark things, it’s probably not due to visiting cats bothering him. And as we can’t explain to him why it’s not awesome for us, there isn’t much we can do to stop him.

The solution is just an even taller litter box and puppy pads.

And mopping up a lot of pee.

3 panels. First panel, I am sitting in front of a window. My cat is on the arm of the couch. I say "You're lucky you're cute". Outside the window a different cat is running across a road. Second panel: same scene. Cat boops my nose. I look unamused. Outside the window a car goes past. Third panel. Same scene. Outside the window worried people are converging. I notice. Leads into next image ...
A series of panels. Three small panels show: the couch without me sitting in it, the front door opening, me shocked. Final large panel shows: people gathered around something. A women puts a cloth over something, a cat tail is poking out. She says "It would have been quick". Leads into next image...
3 panels. First panel: I am back inside, looking at my cat. Outside the window, the people walk away. Second panel: my cat steps onto my lap and I say "Your friend is dead." Third panel: the cat curls up and purs loudly in my lap.

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Refill


I am working at my desk, writing with a green pen. There is also green in my body. Text says "sometimes ...". In the next panel I stop writing, the green is gone. I hold the pen up and tap it. Text says "I run out of ink". I am no longer at my desk. In the final panel I am walking on the green grass, listening to green music. The text says "and have to refill"

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This is about creativity, which I firmly believe is green.  However, it can be about other things too if you like.

This comic is available in my store! It’s available as a print, mini print, poster, travel mug, and other things.

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Things To Do

I'm sitting at a computer desk. Grey-me shows up and says: "Hey! Just a quick reminder that you're worthless! Also, no one really likes you ... they're just tolerating you to be nice!" In the next panel Grey-me says "What do you think about that?" I do not respond.

I say: "...yeah... I've got things to do ... sooooo..." and reach for headphones. Next panel, Grey me-says: "You can't ignore me." but cartoon me puts on the headphones and music notes appear. In the final panel, there cartoon me is happily working and there are so many musical notes that grey-me is almost blotted out, though you can just make out her saying "No! Fuck you! Argue with me!"

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Ten years ago I was diagnosed with depression (although I believe I had it much longer—from way back in my childhood). I started medication and went to therapy. It took a really long time and lots of two-steps-forward-one-step-backs, but a couple of years ago I reached a point where I didn’t need medication to be mentally and emotionally okay.

Since my three miscarriages, the depression has been trying to wiggle back into the cracks. Fortunately, thanks to everything I learnt over the last ten years, I am much better at holding it off. 

Eat your meds and stay in therapy, kids!

If you love my stories and comics, check out my store and my Patreon page. You can support my work and get unique rewards!

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Holiday

Me: posting a comic about how I work too much [me doing this, saying "but FROM NOW ON I will relax more!" Also me: [getting suitcases out the back of a car] "Oh! Ha ha! Looks like my lap top stowed away! It will ruin our holiday to take it back ... so I guess it will have to work for it's keep!"

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I drew this juuuust before we left, and the holiday is done now. The first half of the holiday ended up being too busy for work (I saw Harry Potter and the Cursed Child which was very cool and which I will not spoil), and then during the restful part of the holiday I got a cold and was sneezing and sniffling and leaking from the face far too much to be worried about writing or drawing. So you don’t have to worry about my work-life balance. My immune system has that covered.

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Relaxing

I am working hard, saying "I've been doing so much work and not relaxing. It's really time to not do work and relax. But I don't know how to stop." Friendly dinosaur says: "Why not COMPROMISE and do a little of both?" One COMPROMISE later ... I sit, looking stressed, labled 'not working' and 'not relaxing'

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Am I An Adult?

Kid: I can't wait to be an adult! Adults can do anything they want! Cartoon-child-me: But they have to pay taxes* *I was a glass-half-empty sort of child

***

One year when I was still in highschool I asked for a green ipod for my birthday. The green was important. It was an unwell pistachio colour, sort of warm and cool at the same time. But teenagers aren’t renowned for their emotional restraint and despite the vomit-undertone I couldn’t have fallen more head-over-heels in love with this colour if it fronted a boyband. I stared at it in advertisements and in shop windows. I dreamed of it. I repeatedly prompted my mum so to make sure she absolutely knew the green one was mine, the one I was meant to have.

On the day, there was a heart-flutteringly ipod-shaped present for me.

Unwrapping a present with green wrapping paper ... and ... it's a silver ipod

Before we go any further, I’m going to throw up a wall of disclaimers just in case this escapes the orbit of my regular audience and ends up in the gross, judgemental part of the internet where navigating the comment section requires bio-hazard gear, and even then it’s best to detox afterward with a full exorcism.

Disclaimer: I was psyched to get an ipod.

Cartoon me holding silver ipod looking psyched. Word 'psyched' with arrow pointing at cartoon me.

Disclaimer: Even though it wasn’t soul-mate green.

Cartoon-me holding silver ipod saying 'oh well'

Disclaimer: Although I asked for the ipod, I didn’t expect to get it. My family routinely request present suggestions from each other and giving someone a suggestion doesn’t obligate them to fulfill it. I also did not feel entitled to expensive presents at all. Plenty of times we were told a suggestion cost too much.

Did I miss any potential judgement-windows?

Oh, of course.

Disclaimer: Yes, I’m a millennial. As horrifying as it sounds, some people were born between 1981 and 1996 (or wherever the boundaries are), including me, and sure, we meet up virtually over the interwebs every full moon and use complicated tournaments of Mario-Kart-by-proxy to decide which industry we’ll be assassinating next, but that’s really not the point.

Cartoon-me: Also, I'm not a tentacled monster. Zoom out to reveal cartoon me has tentacles instead of legs.

And the point isn’t that I didn’t get the colour ipod I particularly wanted, either. The point is what I was told next.

Mum saying: I'm sorry the shop didn't have green. But you'll be an adult soon. So I got you an adult colour.

***

When I was in my early twenties I lived alone. I had moved to the city to attend university. Previously I had lived in a residential college and then with a friend, and afterwards I would move in with my partner. But between all that there was this quiet year where I inhabited a tiny apartment with an awkward diagonal wall all by myself.

I’m introverted, at home with my own company, a wee bit controlling about my personal space, and perfectly happy staying in most evenings. I liked it.

At least until the mouse.

mouse

I waited until I’d seen it a couple of times to confirm that, yes, it was really there, and no, it was not just a one off visit. I had acquired a housemate.

mouse waving hello

I called my mum, who was 665kms away and could not physically help me.

Me on phone: What do I do? Voice on phone: You're going to have to kill it. Mouse: *looking innocent and pure, pointing at itself as though saying 'me?'*

There as no one to deal with it for me. I didn’t want to live with the mouse, but I didn’t want to kill it either. I also didn’t own any mouse traps. So I rigged up my own solution.

Box propped up with a ruler tied to string. I'm hiding behing the fridge holding the other end of the string.

(With hindsight, there were warning signs I would end up turning my life into cartoons.)

You’ll be shocked to learn it didn’t work.Trap has been sprung. Mouse is sitting on top of box, free.

But I tinkered. I found if I spilled some rice the mouse would come out, even if I was quite close. And then I tinkered some more. Until finally…

Rice on floor. Mouse peeks at it. Mouse gets closer. Panel zooms out, this is happening in front of an open door. I lean out from behind the door holding a dustpan brush and sweep the mouse out the door. Final panel: me sitting in front of closed door looking relieved.

I was so proud of myself. I even managed to locate a sneaky mouse-hole and block that up. I was sure the mouse would not come back.

And I had not killed it.

I am reading a book. I hear a rustle. (close up, eyes behind glasses) I look to the side ... and see a disgruntled mouse giving me the finger.

I bought a trap, baited it with peanut butter and put it in the cupboard. My partner stayed with me so when it happened

night time, in bed. Partner is asleep. I am awake, looking scared. Something goes *snap*

I wouldn’t be alone.

***

Person: Now you're an adult you'll want to get a Proper Job TM, Buy a House TM, and Start a Family TM! Me: ... will I though?

***

‘Proper’ jobs are out for me, unfortunately, due to chronic illness. I’ve made my own job writing and drawing. (I don’t make enough to pay income tax). I’m proud of it and I like it, but not everyone sees it as a ‘proper’ one.

Including banks.

Even though my partner did have a ‘proper’ job, there were a few years where buying a house seemed utterly impossible. The world is no longer built for a couple on a single (‘proper’) income (at least, Australia isn’t. I can’t speak for everywhere). But, somehow, we pried our way into the exclusive club of Valid House Hunters.

House hunting was a long, weird series of meetings with hyper-adulty sorts—mortgage brokers, real estate agents, conveyances. We put on sensible-masks, threw around words like “interest”, “settlement date”, “pre-approval” and waited for the inevitable moment they twigged to our game and threw us out.

Me, dressed in a button up shirt and holding a breifcase: How do you do fellow adults? (partner standing with me giving a thumbs up and wearing a shirt that says "smashed avo sucks"). An adult looks at me, confused.

No one was more surprised than us when we pulled it off.

Real estate agent, handing me keys: Congratulations! Me: Indubitably! Partner: Variable interest amiright? Final panel: close up of our grins

And home-ownership was fun.

Me and Partner: "We can paint the walls!" "Plants" "hang pictures" "we can get a cat!" Some random adult: ACUTALLY! Final panel: adult is speaking, speech bubble is so big it is crushing us "Owning a home is just a long list of things to spend money on and chores to do! It's a financial blackhole that will weigh you down for the rest of your lives! It's not *fun*!"

But it really was.

And then we had three miscarriages.

Dark room. Getting an ultrasound. Everyone looks concerned. I say "Okay ... okay..."

(I looked again to confirm it that, yes, it was really there, and no, it wasn’t just a one-off)

Dark ultrasound room again. I say: "Okay ... what do I do?"

Each time we made the appointments. Paid for scans. Let people know. I went to the hospital (my partner stayed with me so I wouldn’t be alone when it happened). We made more appointments. We tried to make time to grieve, to process. We booked ourselves into therapy. We reassured other people when we didn’t feel at all assured ourselves.

It’s been almost a year since the third miscarriage, almost two years since the first, and most mornings when I wake up my first thought is still

Dark room, me in bed. "What do I do?". Second panel: still in bed, still lying there. Third panel: I get up.

Some days the big, ultimate answer, the only thing capable of getting me out of bed, is the dishwasher. Or the laundry or the vacuuming, or whatever chore it’s my turn at.

Because I get that little high of accomplishment from getting them done. Because I don’t feel like I have control over anything else in my life anymore. Because I still don’t know how to be someone who had three miscarriages. I don’t know who that is. I can’t get out of bed for her.

But I can be someone who empties the dishwasher.

Me emptying the dishwasher

And once you’ve emptied the dishwasher everything seems a little more possible.

But not fun.

Fun is hard. Fun is elusive.

Fun is a chore.

Really. It’s a job you have to do to stay healthy, like flossing. It just doesn’t feel like flossing when it comes naturally. Right now, for me, it doesn’t. If I want to catch it, I have to set traps.

We set traps. We bought some new video games. We build each other blanket forts. We taught our cat to hi-five. I take refuge in adventure-steampunk, comedic SSF, and comic books.* We go for walks and adventures and find new places.

It’s exhausting.

***

I am playing video games. Random adult: Adults don't play video games! You'll have to stop when you have a kid. Final panel: me giving him a very unimpressed look.

***

Am I an adult?

Over the course of my life I have been told so many things about what being an adult is all about. I’m nearly 30, and according those adulthood criteria, I’m not sure I qualify.

I’m (considerably) over 21, so I definitely meet the age requirement. I also (part) own a house, which I believe some people would count in my favour.

But I do not have a ‘proper’ job. I do not earn enough to pay income tax. I do not have children, which some people seem to think is necessary (I might still have them one day, but I might not). I still play video games and read comic books. I am the proud owner of a stegosaurus-shaped handbag.

Am I an adult?

If I was to tell someone what adulthood was, to impose my own definition, I might choose to say that it’s just doing the next thing. I think the accurately vague nature of that is perfect for adulthood, and bonus, if it’s a thing you do, then it’s a verb, and therefore ‘adulting’ becomes valid terminology.

When I first started writing this, that’s what I thought I was going to say. But as I wrote and drew, I looked and thought again, and that’s not how this ends anymore.

Am I an adult?

Don’t answer.

It’s not the real question. The real question is, do I have to be?

The essence of adulthood, from what I’ve been told, is that you’re not supposed to enjoy it. If you do, people will line up around the corner to say you must be doing it wrong or you’re naive and deluded, and anyway just you wait for the next milestone, that one will really wreck you.

The criteria are ridged, pointless, and in some cases unhealthy and irresponsible. It’s all about ticking boxes and how things look on the surface. It’s not about how you’re doing or what’s going on underneath.

And if everyone says it’s that, who I am to disagree?

So take it all away. It’s been messed up too much for too long. I don’t want it. I don’t even want to fix it, though you can try if you want.

I’ll just be over here, doing the next thing, drawing dinosaurs, and choosing puke-green everything. Crowned queen of the dishwasher and nothing else. Trying endlessly, desperately, to have fun.

After all, adults can do anything they want.

***

Years ago ... Silver ipod screen says nope, it is broken. I go to a shop. There are brightly coloured ipods in the window. I smile, the panel has turned orange.

* Sidebar: for fun giggles from those respective categories I recommend Soulless by Gail Carriger, Redshirts by John Scalzi, and The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl (beginning with Vol 1: Squirrel Power by Ryan North and Erica Henderson).

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If you love my stories and comics, check out my store and my Patreon page. You can support my work and get unique rewards!

And don’t forget you can follow me for updates on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Brewing Tea

Three panel comic. First panel: some tea brews on a counter and cartoon me sits down in a chair nearby saying "I will sit down while my tea brews". Second panel: cat jumps onto cartoon me's lap. Third panel: cartoon me is stuck under the cat and a speech bubble comes from the tea saying "Your abandonment has made me cold and bitter."

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A (frequent) tragedy in three acts.

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More The Thing

In the first panel a person says "Looks like you're feeling more the thing!" And cartoon-me says "How did you know?" In the next panel cartoon-me has turning into a towering, dripping, multi-headed monster, a la 'the thing'.

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One time after hardly sleeping for many, many days and nights (ah, the heady days of chronic insomnia plus university assignments and poor time management), I decided on a whim that The Thing (the 80s one) was absolutely, unbeatably amazing. As I was pretty much delirious from exhaustion, I figured it was completely reasonable to force the friends I just happened to be with at the time to watch it. Even though it wasn’t their sort of thing at all. Even though they told me this. Repeatedly. 

I fell asleep a few minutes in, and they sat next to my unconscious body through over and hour and a half of dripping vagina monsters out of politeness.

They’re still my friends. I don’t know why.

(That story doesn’t have anything to do with anything, not even this comic. But it’s true.)

If you love my stories (which are usually better than the above) and comics (which are usually about this good or maybe even a little worse), check out my store and my Patreon page. You can support my work and get unique rewards!

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