Warning: May Contain Traces of Spiders

Do you ever wonder if spiders just want attention?

Maybe they don’t hang out in our showers because they are spiteful and want to ruin our mornings with a fight to the death over the shampoo. Maybe they just want to spend time with us, but don’t understand how humans do things. They watch how we interact with our pets and our friends and perhaps don’t realise that they can’t just copy and paste the behaviours that work for our cats.

spiders1

This has happened to me twice.

I would like take the opportunity to point out to all spiders in my readership that this isn’t acceptable behaviour. Opening your eyes in the middle of the night to a spider-face inches from your own is not a fun or cute experience. After the second time I started getting flashbacks whenever I got into bed. If it happens for a third time then I may have to start sleeping hanging from the ceiling from like a bat.

And speaking of the ceiling, spiders, please don’t jump off it onto me. I don’t care what you’ve read, that’s not okay either.

spiders2

The sensible part of me said not to include that last picture because it is obscure and silly, no one will get it and everyone will probably think I’m weird. The rest of me was still snort-giggling a week after coming up with it and saying: “Silly spider! Ask Louisa Musgrove how well that tactic works.”

Turns out the sensible part of me does not hold enough brain-shares to win a majority vote.

It did manage to push through a caveat in the form of a Venn diagram, though.

spiders3

I hope that spiders work it out eventually. Perhaps the fiftieth time they are shepherded into jars and dumped in the garden, or when they watch you setting fire to your bed after they disappear somewhere in your bedroom, something will click in their little spider minds.

“Ohhh,” they will think. “I get it now. Boundaries.

And then maybe if we could communicate with each other we could sort out some kind of truce.

spiders4But probably not.

 

 

 

 

20 thoughts on “Warning: May Contain Traces of Spiders

    1. I’m super happy to hear I’m not the only orange! My thoughts are with your arachophobic children. You should maybe also tell them that spiders are so common that at any given moment there is at least one hiding within a few feet of you. I think they would appreciate that tidbit.

    1. Of course! The symptoms of head trauma are well known: concussion, memory loss, new personality and increased risk of marrying brooding, poetry-obsessed gentlemen. Just ask anyone who has experienced a moderate to severe head injury.

    1. Ahhhhhhh … NO. Not the windscreen. Not INSIDE the windscreen.

      I dislike huntsmans. They’re too scuttle-y. The jumping off the ceiling thing? That was a huntsman. And I wasn’t reading Persuasion at the time, I was on the toilet. Worst possible moment for a surprise-spider. Before that, I was fine with huntsmans and also considered them kind of cute. One incident scarred me for life.

      1. there’s a certain sound they make when they scuttle on the bed clothes. I outside them. they rarely come back because our outside is good spider habitat too. as for the windscreen spider. still in the car.. for now…

    1. Thank you! I’m glad the Persuasion spider is getting positive feedback. I was a bit concerned about that one falling flat

      … ba-DUM-tish! Get it? Because the spider ACTUALLY FELL in the joke. I’m hilarious and should never doubt myself again.

  1. Ummm ok you’re awesome and really funny!! Love your posts so far! The population of your orange zone has just increased by one!

    On another note- I lived in Kawaii and had a cane spider run across my bathroom wall with the speed of a cheetah. You should google them if you haven’t seen one because they can be ENORMOUS! I’m not really scared of spiders, but I totally freaked out. But it turns out they are amazing giant creatures to have in your house because they hunt cockroaches and they’re really scared of people. So he got to stay and I named him Fred. Your drawing reminds me of him, miss that guy… *sniff sniff*

    1. Gosh, thank you! I really like your blog and am kind of amazed you came over to visit my tiny little site.

      Okay. So I googled cane spiders and they are clearly insanity on legs. All the legs. SO LEGGY. They look like the demonic offspring of one of our Australian huntsman spiders and a super model, because LEGS. I’m stressing this leg business, because just saying ‘they have legs’ would be kind of like saying ‘Zooey Deschanel has eyes’. While completely true, it does not adequately express the gravity of the situation.

      1. Lol omg yes! They are totally insanity on legs! Although once I named him I started to think more of him as a little weird looking friend- like one of those germ toys… love the Zooey Deschanel eye reference, you’re hilarious in comment form too!

      2. Why, thank you!

        Whenever I named spiders and considered them my friends (pre dropping-from-ceiling and bed-invasion incidents), I would get anxious about them. If I couldn’t see it, I would worry someone else had killed it or that it had moved in on shower-space and gone down the drain.

  2. A spider once crawled up my blanket, menacingly toward my face, the night before a final exam. He took 20 minutes to catch, remove from my bed, and by that point I had so much adrenaline in my system and so much fear of going back bed (where “the incident” happened) that I got only an hour of restless sleep on the couch before my exam.

    And apparently “spider attack” is not a reasonable reason to re-schedule your exam. The administration just didn’t understand.

    1. Spider attack should DEFINITELY be a valid postponing-exam excuse. I mean, for all they know that spider was fifty feet tall and threatening the safety of the entire city. Staying up all night to defeat it could have saved their lives too.

      1. OMG WHERE WERE YOU TEN YEARS AGO?!?!

        You’re totally right – they DIDN’T know that. Not only should I have been allowed to postpone my exam I probably should have been given some sort of plaque.

        And you should get some sort of prize for your ingenious study of the inside mind of spiders.

        We have not been given our fair accolades my friend.

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