Call me Foureyes

Comic-me (awkward mid-sentence tangent that shouldn’t be happening two hyphenated words into the story: I have decided to refer to my drawn-self as ‘comic-me’ rather than ‘cartoon-me’ because it can be misread as I am comic, i.e. amusing, and I’m okay with that) is getting a makeover.

You know the classic high school movie makeover scene? That’s the scene where a designated cool-person exchanges a nerd-girl’s glasses for contacts (or just takes them away and leaves the poor nerd-girl to walk into things and get reading-headaches) magically transforming the nerd-girl into a cool-person worthy of having friends and being treated like a human being.

Well, I wear glasses now, so we’re about to do the reverse.

Kind of.

Reverse implies I start cool, put on glasses and get nerdy. In reality I start kind of nerdy, put on glasses and then I stay the same level of nerdy with the same personality and the same questionable social skills, but I feel a bit happier with how I look.

(Which is how successful makeovers work in the real world. I hope all you high-school-movie-screen-writers out there are paying attention.)

Here we go!

glasses makeoverLook at me! I’m so happy that my arms have gone bendy! And how crazy smart do I look? I look like the kind of person you would stop in the street to ask pressing questions about quantum physics.

quantum physicsI need the glasses because I have moderate astigmatism. My left eye is almost okay, but my right eye isn’t. My right eye is that awful group-project partner you always end up with for university assignments who doesn’t do much, gets in the way, drags down your grade, ends up passing because of all your hard work and is the subject of your pencil-stabbing fantasies for the rest of the semester.

festering resentmentIt’s probably a good thing my left eye no longer has to carry the team.

stabbingI’ve known about the astigmatism for years. And, actually, I’ve had glasses for years. But I didn’t much like them and the narrow frames annoyed me.

Annoyed is the wrong word.

field of vision narrow frame glassesWearing my old glasses slots in on my list of everyday things I have an unreasonably intense dislike of just above the term ‘happy snaps’ and a little below folding fitted sheets. There must be some narrow-frame perks that I can’t see (/joke. Get it?) because some people seem to like them. But I would rather not wear glasses at all than wear my old glasses with the narrow frames.

And in fact this is what I did for years. I just didn’t wear them, except for reading. It was a surprisingly successful solution. It even saved me money on blu-rays and granted me immunity from getting carried away about otherwise mediocre video games with awesome graphics.

But sometimes you catch yourself wondering what pores look like.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realise the answer was to just get different glasses. I worked it out a couple of months ago and immediately went out and picked out the biggest frames I could find in the shop.

glasses perfectionAnd I love them. I wear them all the time. They are part of who I am now, the way not quite being able to read streets signs in time to make turns was part of who I was before.

And I thought it was time to make the relationship comic-official.

22 thoughts on “Call me Foureyes

  1. Are you a teacher ? You explained it so well.. am crystal clear now why you are not who you were before and how would it looks like with a narrow frame Vs a BIG frame!
    Oh wait .. You explained it so well coz now you are a nerd now :) Could you explain the theory of relativity now …

    This is hilarious , I loved it ! Thanks for laugh :)

    1. There’s two theories known as relativity.

      General relativity: big things bend everything and something about a bowling ball on a trampoline.

      Special relativity: moving at really high speeds makes things go wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey and results in the movie Interstellar.

      I hope that cleared things up.

    2. why are there no LIKE buttons here !? I would have clicked LIKE twice (if the shitstem (that’s what Peter tosh called the WhuttEvvrrrItWuzz) wood-a let me!) on Hira’s comment ~

  2. Your explanation of quantum physics was perfect for someone who just realized that he had no idea how to spell “quantum” until now. I mistyped it four times in this comment alone.

      1. Lucy: I thought and hoped you would have reigned in the esotericness of stuff in general, and encouraged … well, just generalized wallowing.

        but … this is interesting. we (commenters here over @ silence and kild dye-know-saurz) are rising above the wallowing and know telling wear that may go …

  3. I’ve been putting off going to the optometrist for so long (maybe a couple of years…) because I think I may actually need glasses but I don’t actually want glasses. But I swear my vision is fine most of the time, just not so great for distance if I’ve been reading a lot and am tired. But I suppose it would be good to be able to spot pterodactyl feeding areas well before reaching the sign, so maybe I’ll reconsider…

    1. You have to watch out for those pterodactyls. They sneak up on you if you’re not looking out.

      I wasn’t very keen on glasses right up until I had tried them and realised what having good vision was like.

  4. As a 45+ year veteran of glasses wearing, I am totally with you on the narrow frames thing – they are awful. Unfortunately they cyclically come back into style. So in every span of about every 15 years, I spend several of them looking not only nerdy, but unfashionably so. From now on during these phases, I will tell myself that at least it’s better than being pecked to death by pterodactyls. Thanks for that!

    1. I already have a plan to stock up on spares before they go out of fashion again because I don’t want to have them break while big frames are unfashionable and only be able to replace them with narrow frames. God forbid the zombie apocalypse hits in the unfashionable years.

  5. Great post! It’s lucky that you’re an expert in quantum physics. I wear glasses and I got asked for professional help so often that I had to cultivate a disarming hairstyle to offset the glasses-effect.

  6. youwill be glad? to know I will comment 1st, then go back to sabotage all the other comments later, instead of how I yoozYooUhllee dewwit. you will be XXXttreeemlee glad to know that after having read your post, and previously deciding not to drink any more alcohol tonight, your post was so unsettling and un-nerving and weird that I am going to get up and gittsum more rite now B-4 I write any more………

    . (thatsa PEER ee ud). the first thing to comment on is about the lab partner. I WAS THAT LAB PARTNER you’re making fun of. except (and some day, if I can only raise my I Q more than 5 or 6 points UP to the “slightly above toadullee toad-level writer” level) maybe I can write a funny post about that. yeah. perhaps I will. and the worser thing was, a lot of the time i’d end up with the lab partner you’re complaining about, because there were two such potential lab partners in whatever class, and we’d end up together — and we wouldn’t even be embarrassed about cheating! true story follows:

    it was some physics lab project where my partner, RANDY BLACK, and I had given up all hope of satisfactorily resolving whatever the problem was, so we did several bad things, among them, walking around the class and copying down whatever other people had written in their notebooks, ASKING SOME OTHER PEOPLE IN THE CLASS WHAT THE CORRECT CONCLUSION WAS (some of them probably lied to us, but we wrote down their answer anyway), and JUST MADE SOME STUFF UP, (which in one rare case was close to the actual answer but if everyone who is reading this is wondering if i’ll write about it someday probably not because a couple paragraphs from now i’ll forget what i’m writing about now) and that’s how Randy and I basically sailed through most of our physics class lab sessions.

    a girl, an engineering major no doubt, sneered at us and our unethical and callously un-disguised (where is that rum and root beer glass ?!) making any effort to do this “correctly” and asked:

    what is your major?!? (as if we replied, for example, biology or geology or hamster-veterinary-science — that would explain things)

    Randy proudly answered

    PHYSICS, of course.

    1. he said it proudly, as if.
      as if, yes, physics majors don’t have to take their laboratory classes seriously! I wonder what Randy is up to today (and as everyone here knows, a lot of the stuff we talk about is so weird, that you can’t make it up). the last time I talked with Randy on the phone (and I last saw him in the physical realm maybe 30+ years ago!) he … among other things …. thought his life was weird because HIS WIFE & MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN had a short time before decided to not be a woman anymore and have “the surgery” to change that.

      and I thought it was unique and newsworthy to note that i’m getting up uncharacteristically early tomorrow a.m. to go to a stadium and “perform” the national anthem to many hundreds of people at a sporting event tomorrow.

      well, THAT’ll be note-worthy to some degree, but not like the impact of “Betty” doing something like what Randy’s wife did.

      1. did YOU write or say or even think anything about inept science-lab partners ? recently? NOT in this post, I don’t think. I still feel goofy, but awb(de)viously kNOT as goofy as the prior comments.

      2. I think this is the only time I have written about bad group-project partners. But I’ll be honest, I’d probably have to re-read everything on this website to be positive of that.

    2. I’ve thought about it, and I’m not going to apologise for making fun of bad group project partners.

      But I think asking other people what their conclusions are is a valid tactic because it should be pretty obvious what you’re up to and they can easily just not tell you if they mind.

Leave a comment, save a dinosaur.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s