Depression Lies

Lately my depression has been close to the surface. It whispers things to me and manipulates me. It tries to make me believe that I am worthless. I want to write about it properly, but everything I put down seems wrong, and I end up in tangles.

To have it swoop in and steal the words off the tip of my tongue makes me feel powerless. Loss of voice—silence—is a big deal for me. When I was a child my social anxiety was so strong that I often felt physically unable to speak in front people I didn’t already know well and feel comfortable with. So even if I can’t yet find a way to talk through it properly, I would like to put something about it up here.

I have a Gryffindor notebook that my sister bought me from Harry Potter World which I like to scribble in. With the help of my lovely assistant and trusty stead—doesn’t she look gorgeous in that silver dress?—I would like to show you my most recent scribble.

1lies

As you can see, some fairly standard depression imagery going on there. Darkness pouring down.

I didn’t have any words of my own to describe it or to cope with it, so I borrowed some. We live in a big, connected world, and chances are someone else has just what you need. This is humanity’s great advantage. We communicate.

So there are words, and if you can remember it when your brain has gone dark, it helps.

The Bloggess (hilarious, big-hearted, giant-metal-chicken-owning internet rockstar) says ‘depression lies’, and she’s right. It lies. It lies and it lies and it lies until all you’ve got are the lies and you can’t tell anymore which way is up.

So I’m trying to hold on to the knowledge that depression lies, and using that as my compass, the pictures turns around … Lovely assistant, if you would be so kind.

2lies

3lies

The page is still half-covered. The light and dark are in exactly the same proportions as before; it’s not gone. But now the warm parchment colour is on top, and I am anchored.

20 thoughts on “Depression Lies

  1. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but if you EVER feel like you’re going to let depression win, please find me on Twitter (@scifiandscary) and DM me. I’ll give you my phone number then, and talk to you for as long as you need someone to talk to you. No judgement, no religion, no cliche words. I’ll just be there.

  2. You are wise to heed your deeper inner self that knows depression lies even when you can’t hear it though the roar of the nightmare that is depression. And CFS/ME/SEID (or whatever the hell they call it now) robs one of the energy to deal in the way you normally would. For me it’s crawling in books or music or movies- I love just to hear other voices besides the one that loudly, albeit anxiously, says I suck as a human being. My true self knows it’s a lie. Don’t listen to your surface voice and and the noise it creates and be good to yourself. You are so obviously talented and brilliant and courageous! After all, you are a Gryffindor! Me, I think I’m a Gryffinclawpuff ;) Oh, and I so love your drawings!! You always make my day brighter.

    1. Thank you! I also crawl into books or movies (I really like semi-terrible disaster movies for this for some reason). I’m not sure if I’m really a Gryffindor, although it’s what I’ve always desperately wanted to be since I first read HP as a child. And Harry got to pick, so maybe I do too.

  3. I love this post, your blog, your trusty assistant in the green dress AND your illustration! And I’m not being hyperbolic. You remind me of Bill Watterson but with more dinosaurs and spiders.

      1. On a serious note, some have a talent for taking light subjects and making them dark, but you’ve taken a dark subject and made it light whilst losing none of its seriousness.

  4. Thank you for sharing your sketch. I think it does a great job of not only capturing how depression feels, but also how much difference a change in perspective can make. Also, your assistant looks beautiful in her silver dress. ** Hugs **

      1. Old post, I know, but I wanted to thank you again for writing it. My depression and anxiety have been acting up this month and like to tell me how alone I am in experiencing things, but whenever they do I think of this post and your drawing and it shuts them up right away. :)

  5. Too many thoughts… must list…

    1) Sorry you are going through a tough time, I have definitely been there,and am currently there which brings me to…

    2) Wha? How? Whaaaa? Seriously how did we both end up making a post about depression today?! AND how did we both have images of dinosaurs in our posts?? So crazy!!! If I believed in signs I would think it was a sign we were meant to be friends! Since I don’t believe in signs really I’ll just listen to some Ace of Base, but still would like to be your friend.

    3) Great post, I know words are sometimes harder to find when your down, but you certainly pulled it off here “It whispers things to me and manipulates me. It tries to make me believe that I am worthless.” Beautiful words.

    4) I freaking love your assistant and this post.

    5) THE BLOGGESS ROCKS!!! Love her book so, so, so much! Her writing style is so unique and hilarious.

    1. … ok, this whole double-up-depression-and-dinosaurs-post thing is crazy. It’s either a sign of friend-compatibility on an awesome scale, or we’re the unwitting subjects of some mad-scientist thought-duplicating experiment (which are, actually now that I think about it, not mutually exclusive scenarios so it could be both). The Bloggess is awesome! I am currently reading her most recent book (which means so is everyone else in the general area because whenever it makes me cry-laugh I stop and read it aloud while cry-laughing to everyone around me).

      1. Ok seriously now things are just getting creepy because I literally just bought her new book two days ago and currently just finished “George Washington’s Dildo” this morning… AND I totally read her Advance Praise section out loud to my mom and boyfriend… Are we the same person communicating through some weird rip in reality?

      2. Yep. Getting creepy. Although when I first read your comment I was all like “What is the relevance of George Washington’s Dildo?” and “How can we be telepathically linked if I don’t know about George Washington’s Dildo?” and then I got up to that chapter and now it all makes sense.

  6. sum times i’m sorta arg-you-mintattive and sum-times i’m sumwhut slightly sew. sew … i’ve been under either the delusion/or illusion or sum kind of LEWZHUN that depression was, well, true. we are all doomed. (just azz all izz wun and derphul just as front follows back follows front).

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