Hello, My Name is Grief

Test reads: Grief is like a star dies inside you, crushing down into a blackhole that sucks and sucks and sucks every emotion and thought and part of you down to nothing. Test reads: Except when you forget. And then it’s a tsunami of sudden memory that tumbles you around and steals your breath and washes you far away from where you were a moment beforeText reads: Except sometimes it’s warm sunshine on you face, a light breeze in your hair, and bright colours all around you. And it’s beautiful, but the light is to loud and the breeze is to bright and everything is exquisitely wrong, unbearably real.Test Reads: Sometimes it’s from is … unexpected. Sometimes you want it, to prove what you lost was real, to prove it was loved. Sometimes it is someone repeating the same boring stories, the same words, the same feelings you’ve sat through a thousand times before, over and over and over, and you can’t escape. Text reads: Sometimes it's all those things TOO HEAVY TOO BIG TOO LOUD TOO BRIGHT TOO STRONG TOO MUCH at onceTest reads: I don’t know how to end this. I don’t think grief ends. Perhaps (I hope) is wears with time, like running water smoothing all the sharp edges from a rock. But even a smooth rock can trip you. I don’t think grief ends. But everything else does. (that’s the problem)

*********************************

So I had a third miscarriage.

Each time is harder. They add together. The second miscarriage wasn’t only a miscarriage, it was the first miscarriage happening again as well as a new miscarriage. And now this miscarriage is the first miscarriage happening again, and the second miscarriage happening again, as well as a new miscarriage and also an impossible pile of fear about what happens next.

I don’t think I will write a blow-by-blow account of this one (though I reserve the right to change my mind). It was another sucker-punch. I’ve done that before. If you want to read a sucker-punch miscarriage story, I’ve got Expecting.

I’m doing my best in the aftermath, but I’m struggling. There are good days (which are difficult) and bad days (which are impossible). I don’t know when I’ll have new content. I know that I will, I just don’t know when or how regularly that will be for a little while. I’m probably going to be extra slow responding to comments too (but I promise I’ll get there).

Bear with me?

As always, I have a Patreon page (where you can support my work in a general way and get rewards) and a store (where you can buy my comics on posters and shirts and mugs and stuff). And you can follow me for updates on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+ and Pinterest.

57 thoughts on “Hello, My Name is Grief

  1. Oh no. I’m so sorry this has happened (again and again). This comic is a perfect example of grief. Take time, burrow deep, and just know there are people floating around in the internets giving you virtual hugs. 💕✨

  2. Feel like it’s easier to accidentally say something stupid and crass than just simply express how much I feel for you going through this, your drawings are of course saying it all. So please just accept a virtual hug before my usual flippancy gets it all wrong.

  3. Bless you. Little consolation but I’ve been there – lost 6. Nothing anyone says will ease things at the moment, but if you decide to try again, have your blood checked for something called Hughes syndrome (sticky blood). It’s where your body thinks the baby is a dangerous (to you) ‘alien’ – Google it. I had it (took 10 years to discover) and began to take a daily aspirin and finally carried to term. Whatever you decide, grieve first. It’s a very real loss and something a lot of people won’t understand. ♡♡ winging to you through the power of the internet.

    1. Thank you <3 I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I've had some blood work done. I don't know for sure if Hughes syndrome was one of the things tested for because the doctor didn't mention it by name, but the test didn't find any clotting issues (or other issues). I hope my doctor can come up with some sort of solution like yours did.

      1. So do I <3. I know words don't help in this situation, but take it day by day, and don't be frightened by, or ashamed of, the grief you feel – it is very real and shows how good a mum you will be when the time comes.

  4. Oh no, honey, I am so sorry! Sending you so much love. Please take care of yourself, take all the time you need, do what you need to do, we’re here if you need us – I’m here if you need to talk (seriously, send me an email any time. *hug*). Grief does wear with time, it doesn’t really go away, but it gets softer and quieter and gives you more space to breathe and live, and while it can still trip you up the day to day stuff can get a little bit easier over time. *huge hug* <3 <3 <3 <3

  5. I’m so sorry for you loss, and for your previous losses too. Miscarriage sucks so bad. And I cannot imagine how hard it must been when you’ve been there before. May you get all the time and love and support you need to heal.

  6. My dear friend, my heart goes to you. This grief drawing is perfect. I lost my son just after birth and so in this way, I can relate to your pain. I’ve written and drawn about it more times than I care to count. I do what I call “intentional grieving” where I set special time aside to just remember him. It’s a safe time to cry or laugh or scream or sit in silence. I find that doing this in a safe place and time, it helps to relieve some pressure and the overwhelming grief doesn’t overtake me as often. I’ve written about it, if you care to read it, let me know and I’ll share a link. Much love and hugs.

    1. Thank you <3 And I'm so sorry to here about your loss. That must have been impossibly hard to experience. I'm going to have some space from the internet for a few days, but when I'm back I would like to read about tactics for coping with grief. I like your idea of setting aside some time for it. However, I might need more space from what's going on with me right now before I can face a detailed account of the loss of a child, and I hope you can understand that.

      1. I understand. That wasn’t what I meant actually. It’s a poem about grief. But no worries. If you ever need someone to cry and scream at, I am available to talk to. Hugs and heartfelt thoughts, my friend. stillbirthday dot com is a great grief resource for miscarriages and child loss. Helped me tons in the early hours. 💕

  7. Oh that’s was a heartbreaking read. I can’t imagine how that must feel, but your description of grief is so painfully and profoundly accurate. Though everyone’s grief is highly personal. I’d just included you in a little shout out of people who I think are quite super and who I enjoy reading. I hope you are able to take as much time and have all the support you and your family need to navigate your loss, and we’ll see you back here when you feel ready.

  8. Hey – I’m no expert with how it feels to have 3 miscarriages, but grief that’s something I know a little about… if I could offer you one bit of advice – it’s this… please allow yourself to feel it… and yes it’s shit and chaotic… you’ve lost something big… it’s natural. As someone once told me ‘morning will come…’

  9. I know this will be sad/confusing/messed up time, but I still just wanted to say this is some really beautiful artwork here and the layout is perfect, takes you on a journey :)

    ps. I still think scooter purchasing of any kind is legitimate atm!

    1. Thank you <3 I put some significant effort into this one, so it's nice to hear you say that. It was a good distraction for me to think about storytelling and colour and panels and such.

      P.S. I'm still very keen for a scooter. The only thing keeping me teetering is budget.

  10. Hi,

    I am really sorry about your losses. I can’t even begin to imagine!

    And the way you cope and your comics is inspirational!

    Your comic on grief completely hit the nail on the head! I haven seen or heard any depiction of grief that has come even close!!

    Can this particular comic be purchased?

    Or may I re-blog this without disrespecting your personal grief? Linking back to your blog?

    I wish you much comfort and lots of tangible support around you.

    1. Thank you so much <3 You can absolutely link to my work.

      Currently this particular comic can't be purchased. I do have a store for prints and merch, but this comic is 6 pages long and format-wise didn't really seem to suit that, so I never put it in there (nothing to say I can't, although it would have to go up as separate pages). Is it a print you are interested in?

      1. Yes, very much. I haven’t seen or come across anything si concise that depicts grief so perfectly, in such a delicate way with tender humour as well.

        I was glued to the pictures twisting my head to read. Really made my day yesterday.

        On a mug or T-shirt I doubt this particular one is a “seller” as grief is not somethig people want to look at first thing in the morning.

        But it must have its place somewhere where grief and coping has its place.

        I love the humour as well, the vulnerability of the powerlessness of the emotions as well as paralysis that hit you.

        I could go on and on.

        Will check out your work further.

        Brilliant stuff!!

  11. Your comic was so accurate it made me cry and remember exactly what grief is like. I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s incredibly cheesy, I know, but I give you a great big awkward internet hug right now. <3 So much love to you and yours.

  12. weave (well, shee haz) had mis-c’s. and that’s just part of the quilt?guilt?fabrick?pantheon?quagmire? miasma? — the unadulteraytidd schmukkulayshun of awl that/which ails us.

    like yerself, there are interludes where the mist has cleared, and

  13. We don’t do grief well, and we don’t have any rituals to mourn miscarriage. You express these feelings so well, for all of us. That is a gift you share with us. All we can do is send back our sorrow for you and our best wishes and support. (K)

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