I’ve had a fourth miscarriage.
I drew journal comics to process the experience. I’ve decided I will post them here. I have written about miscarriage before, (first two here, comics drawn after the third one here and here) and I don’t think I can do it again. Not like that. To do that, you have to revisit it. And I can’t.
On that note, you don’t have to read this. In fact, if you’ve had similar experiences and know that reading about this will bring things up for you, please don’t. Don’t do that to yourself for me. I would never ask it of you.
Some notes:
- I changed my drawing style a bit, mostly in regards to colouring and use of text. This was to make it easier for me to get things down and move on rather than spend all day every day on colour schemes and shadows and details.
- I recently had my hair cut differently, and this is a journal, so I drew it the new way.
- I drew in ways that felt right at the time. If things felt like a mess, I let them look like a mess. If it felt like lots of small words jammed in, I wrote lots of small words jammed in. For better or worse, the occasional illegibility is a feature not a bug.
- Dates are in the order we do them in Australia. Day/Month/Year.
- This wasn’t drawn retrospectively. Although I didn’t always draw the comic on the actual day, I always planned it on the actual day and usually got it done within a few days. I didn’t start this knowing what was going to happen on the 20/12.
Ready?
Here we go.
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The bushfire I evacuated from on 20/12/2019 was the Cudlee Creek fire that burned in the Adelaide Hills (my home) in South Australia. It destroyed more than 80 homes and claimed one life. Although it didn’t reach my town, it did reach others in the area. Blackened trees and burnt ground are visible from (and sometimes very, scarily close to) the main streets of many of them.
And that fire has not been the only bushfire in South Australia over the last couple of months to destroy homes, the environment, and lives. Notably half (actually, literally, ridiculously half) of Kangaroo Island (a place I have holidayed, a place my brother lived for a year, a place where relatives of mine own property) burned the other week, claiming two lives. That fire isn’t out yet, and as weather conditions are bad today it is spreading and several communities have been evacuated and are under Watch and Act (yellow) warnings even as I write this.
Meanwhile the fires in New South Wales and Victoria (which have made international news) are utterly horrifying and still going. At this time an estimated 1900 homes have been destroyed in NSW and at least another 200 destroyed in Victoria. Many lives have been lost. These fires will certainly not be controlled for some time, and they are expecting considerable fire danger weather tomorrow.
There have always been fires in Australia, but not like this.
If you are able, please consider donating to the fire relief. There are a lot of places to donate. Here are some basic ones:
People:
Australian Red Cross Disaster Relief. (Australia wide).
South Australian Bushfire Appeal. (South Australia).
Fireys:
CFS – Country Fire Service (South Australia’s volunteer firefighting service).
RFS – Rural Fire Service (New South Wales’s volunteer firefighting service).
CFA – Country Fire Association (Victoria’s volunteer firefighting service).
Animals:
WIRES – Wildlife Information, Rescue and Education Services (New South Wales wildlife rescue organisation)
RSPCA (SA) – Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (South Australian appeal specifically)
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I’m just so…sorry. Of little help, I know. Wish I could do something to ameliorate the pain. Thank you for being honest, real, and compassionate, toward yourself and others.
<3 thank you
My heart goes out to you. This is so hard to digest, but the pain…the heartache comes through. I pray that your artist expressions help you with your loss. Just know that your honesty and caring does touch lives, small comfort, but something. Please continue to take care of yourself, the world needs people of your caliber.
Thank you so much <3
Feels woefully inadequate but best wishes to you and Mr Dinosaurs Lucy (and recently well-travelled cat). Your journaling of this process is unique to you and incredibly moving but much respect for feeling that sharing it is also part of the process of dealing with everything that has happened. It does prove your immense strength for you to do so.
Thank you so much <3 Sometimes I wonder if continuing to share all this is just dumping and spreading pain, but it really has helped me.
No, not dumping. Processing, understanding and helping, both yourself and others I’m sure.
Wow, what a platter of shit sandwiches you have been served. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this again. I hesitate to say the following because you’ve probably heard something similar from others before, but… My first wife had five miscarriages before my first son was born. We had pretty much given up also. Not sure if that will make you feel better or worse. If it’s the latter, I’m sorry.
Please stay safe!
I’m so sorry for what you and your first wife went through. That must have been a very difficult time. It is helpful to know that sometimes it does work out for some people. Thank you <3
I’m so sorry, for all of it. I wish words could make it better. Internet hugs from Texas–
Thank you <3
My deepest sympathies for all your pain and the way life seems relentlessly crushing for you. Sending hugs and hopeful thoughts.
Thank you so much <3
I hate that things are so bad for you outside and in right now. I fear for the people of Australia. Just know that the world sees your pain and is with you.
Thank you <3
I’m so sorry. Also, thank you. You wrote this for you, but sharing it was a gift for us. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine or understand another person’s pain. Your writing is an empathy bridge. Thank you for making it.
Thank you for your comment <3
Lucy, I’m sorry to hear this. (I had two miscarriages.) Sending healing energy! Stay safe!
Thank you <3 and I'm sorry about your losses.
Thank you. <3
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story yet it again. I know it has touched many lives. 💚✨
Thank you <3
I feel this so acutely. We lost our fourth the week before Mother’s Day 2019. Your thoughts mirror my own. Thank you for sharing and helping me know that I’m not alone in these feelings and questions.
I’m so sorry for you losses <3 that timing must have been exceptionally difficult. I find that day hard enough without it lining up with any of mine. You are definitely not alone.
I am so sorry that you went through this again. *Virtual Hugs*
Thank you <3 *hugs back*
I just want to send you a very big hug. I don’t know what it feels like from experience, but I don’t have to in order to see the pain. I just… all the hugs your way.
Thank you <3
I’m glad you have art as a way to express what you’re feeling. Sending support and internet hugs! Happy to hear you are okay, stay safe!
Thank you <3
Oh no babe, I’m so so sorry. I know that every miscarriage is different, just like every horror movie has a similar outcome but the capacity to be played out a million different ways, draining you every single time. You somehow always manage to capture the essence of how I feel. Sending massive hugs from over the ocean.
Thank you <3
You commented on one of my posts a few years ago about miscarrying twins. So, firstly, thank you for your comment on my post. Secondly, thank you for your stories and comics on this topic. It’s never easy (to go through it, or to share it). Plausible deniability is my personal favourite survival tactic when I’m “late” – the less I know, the better. Please keep sharing if you can, you never know who are are helping by doing so.
No problem, and thank you <3 It's good to know putting this stuff out there can be helpful. I worry sometimes I'm just exporting pain.
I’m so very sorry for all the heartache and loss you’ve endured. I know words alone can never dull the ache of sadness. Sending love and hugs your way. <3
Thank you <3